Take what serves you and leave the rest.

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Self-Reflection Journal 

Surrogate Partner Training

Spring 2022

4am. I woke up at 3 thinking about the conditioning that’s come up. It’s like I have two main and opposing parts- what my spirit craves in regards to freedom, internal homogeny and pleasure. And what my body has learned and adapted to as not ok. Being seen or heard by other people when in my pleasure sets off an alarm bell. Being Present when feeling sexual is tripped up by self-abandonment. I have been having an internal dialogue with my body for the past 2 hours now, and this is how it’s gone:

Conversation 1

Me: I wish you wouldn’t interrupt these things I’m trying to learn and this beautiful way of being that is so good for both of us. I wanted to kiss my practice partner goodnight in the common area of the kitchen last night and you wouldn’t let me unless we were alone. You froze up. Why?

Body: People have been stoned to death when their pleasure is found out. People have been burned alive when their pleasure is found out. I am keeping you safe! Don’t you see, I am keeping you safe.

Me: We are in the safest house possible for pleasure. Did you not see that it’s our homework? I know you love doing things right and well, you like doing a good job! Why were you so afraid to have the love taps overheard by other trainees? They, like us, are in training for awareness of pleasure! It was our assignment to explore and experience pleasure, you liked what you were feeling, I know you did!

Body: Yes, I liked the sensation, loved the experience, even, but not the noise. Noise calls attention to itself. Bodies have been dragged from their beds and from their homes for being found out in their pleasure. I am keeping us safe. Why don’t you get that? If you didn’t do these things, try these things, then I wouldn’t upset you so much. 

Me: Ok. I see now. You are doing what you know how to do to keep me safe. Thank you for that. I understand now that is what you’re doing. You’re watching out for me, for us. Thank you.

Body: Hmph. You’re welcome.

Me: Hey Body, may I be direct about something I’ve found out?

Body: Sure.

Me: You’re good at what you do but these alarms are outdated. We really are safe here and you are acting like we aren’t. I want you to experience for yourself that it’s Ok and use the alarms only when there really is danger.

Body: This is hard for me to do. 

Me: I know it is and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. The safety mechanisms have worked, here we are! Now the job they do is depriving you of pleasure when there is not a threat. They are depriving me of pleasure when there is not a threat. They are depriving us. Truly, body, there is not a threat here. 

Body: If you feel safe here it would lower your defenses out in the world and then we could be hijacked. No, better to just keep you safe, now and always, that is what I do.  

Me: Body, listen! Our place in time and space has changed and these safety mechanisms no longer serve our highest good. They don’t. I don’t want you to get rid of them entirely, that would be foolish. I want us to use our awareness to know when we are truly safe and when we are not. I want you to use the alarms when they’re applicable. Because we are safe here. We really are. It’s fine to be noisy and to be seen and to be heard. I need you to experience what that feels like so if we are in a place where it’s not Ok, I trust you will know and you will tell me.

Body: I can keep the alarms and use them to alert you to danger?

Me: Yes of course! When there is actual danger in the present moment you absolutely must warn me.

Body: Hmmm.. Ok. But how will I know if there is danger or not?

Me: Because now we will learn what it feels like to be safe and secure in our sexuality. You will experience it and then you will know the difference between safe and not-safe and you can choose to alarm or not, according to any actual threats that present themselves. 

Body: Ok. I guess that sounds alright. Do you think your partner might like to pat and admire our butt cheeks again sometime?

Me: We would have to ask him, but I suspect he would, Body, I suspect he would. 

Conversation 2:

Body: Hey, you haven’t always been with me, you know. You haven’t been Present or in my pleasure during sex for most of our lives now, what do you have to say about that?

Me: You are right. It hurts to know and remember all the things I subjected you to and made you do. I caked you in make-up and made you endure constant beauty treatments. I put you in situations you found frightening and I let you be groped and penetrated before you were ready. I let people touch you and do things that weren’t pleasurable and I forced you to respond with appreciation. Sometimes I even went up to the ceiling and looked down at what was happening to you. Sometimes I laughed because it felt good but nothing made sense and it was the only response that didn’t hurt. I made you be fake. I made you be inauthentic and I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

Body: I am relieved to hear the acknowledgement. It feels good that you know that now. It feels good when you are in me for pleasure. What happened before? Why were you gone?

Me: I felt I was out of resources in this world and I used you for our survival. I did it for survival. 

Body: Did it work?

Me: Yes, Body. It worked. This world requires money and I made enough to take care of you better than I ever could have otherwise. You are well and healthy now because I gained access to resources through you and then I turned around and used those resources to take care of you and us. 

Body: But not my pleasure. You have taken care of my fitness and eating well, you keep me clear of bacteria and viruses. You bath me with bubbles and sauna me with lavender. You stretch me and massage me, do corrective physical therapy and make me practice breathing…of all things! But what happened to my pleasure?

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t know. 

Body: You didn’t know about pleasure?

Me: No, not as a focus, no. Mind learned that sex was an act for the other person and for orgasm….and then because I believed Mind, I made you do that for years and years. I am sorry. 

Body: Why would Mind learn that? Why would Mind think that?

Me: Sigh, lots of reasons Body. They way I grew up, the way I was raised, what I was taught in church and by my peers. Similar to those experiences that taught you what was safe or not…they also shaped what Mind thought was right or not. 

Body: But I’ve always been here. I’ve wanted to be explored, to be loved on, to be pleasured. 

Me: I know that now…but all this time I never learned how to be completely in you for the sheer sake of pleasure. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to do that before and I didn’t stand up for your sovereignty and freedom to be the wonderful, responsive, sensual, sexual body that you are.

Body: But you are learning to be present with pleasure now!

Me: Yes! Yes I am and yes we are! It’s pretty great, right?

Body: Yes, until you get worried that I am not responding right. Like when your partner was patting your bottom and I liked it, you said it wouldn’t get us to orgasm and we should change it. You said your partner wasn’t really enjoying himself because we weren’t going to climax this way and so we were wasting his time and attention. 

Me: Omg, that was a terrible thought that got thrown at you you, wasn’t it! But Body, what happened next?

Body: You barked into the pillow to Stop It! And then he stopped the nice thing he was doing….but.. you were talking to Mind, weren’t you.

Me: Yes I was! I shouted at Mind to shut up and leave that thought alone so we could be in Pleasure! It worked right?

Body: Yes, once you made that clear to your partner, he was able to take up the pleasure percussions again. I liked that.  

Me: Me too, Body. Me too. 

Body: So we will keep exploring pleasure for my sake? I would really like that. Will you keep Mind in control and thoughts out of the way next time?

Me: I will do my best to be totally and utterly Present with you and all the sensation you are feeling, Body. I will put Mind in you and keep it there until you tell it all the things you learn about pleasure and beauty and bliss.Then Mind will not say the things it has said before. We will be in harmony. Will you keep your alarms to a minimum and sound them only when actual danger is present?

Body: If you will control Mind and focus on Me and my pleasure, I will allow the alarms to be reset. Then we will be in harmony. 

Me: Wonderful! Thank you! Let’s do this! 

Body: Yes, Please! Let’s do this! 

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9am Follow Up

I’ve been asking why it’s so vital each person be in their own pleasure. I think perhaps it’s because when we leave our body, when let our awareness go into our mind-stories and not the sensation, even if it’s only for moments, it is a form of self-abandonment. Suddenly we are no longer Present and when that happens, who is our partner supposed to mingle and mix with? Who is going to be our reflection if our partner is trying to go into our body to ‘make’ our pleasure, too? The experience goes flat. If I self-abandon, if my mind is doing it’s own thing and I am paying attention to that when my partner is experiencing his pleasure, how can my body connect and mirror his ecstasy? Being in my own pleasure while connected to someone else is the most vital and pleasurable thing for both parties. It requires each practitioner to be totally present, in their own body, connected to their own pleasure, by which means they will be aware of and responsive to the other’s… I think this might be what leads to the greatest magick possible between two people.